Present Fatherhood

Fatherhood is something I never really imagined myself doing. Sure, I wanted kids—three, to be exact—but I never thought past that. I didn’t ask myself what kind of father I wanted to be, what type of education I wanted for my kids, or how I wanted to raise them. All I knew was I wanted to be present. But what did present even look like?

Then—boom—the year is 2016, and my daughter shows up at just 28 weeks (but that’s a story for another day). At first, parenting seemed simple enough. Then—boom again—three years later, my son is born. At that point, I was good with my modern-day Shaq and Kobe, Jordan and Pippen. But the big guy upstairs had other plans, because in 2022 the ringleader of the house arrived—my own “Big Three.”

With my first child, my wife and I had a rough time adjusting, mainly because I didn’t have an ounce of fathering in my system. My go-to was, “Ay, just holler at me if you need me to do something.” Honestly, I was scared. She was so small, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to mess up—especially with her being premature. Growing up, the women in my family always took care of the kids, probably because all of them were women. I thought just being around was enough. I figured if my wife could call on me when she needed me, that was good enough. After all, my mom never had that option, having to raise four kids on her own. Not to bash my dad too much, but let’s be real—there’s only so much a phone call can do from 2,000 miles away.

Fast-forward nine years, and here I am with “The Big Three,” a full-time stay-at-home dad whose version of present fatherhood looks a lot different than what I thought. Since my son was born, I’ve done every routine you can think of—waking up first thing in the morning, changing sheets, giving baths, brushing teeth, getting them dressed, cooking breakfast, doing school drop-offs, pick-ups, shuttling to extracurriculars, then back home for dinner, baths, and bedtime. And repeat. repeat. repeat. 

This isn’t a job for the weak, and I salute every other primary caregiver out there. But still, I question if it’s enough. Is presence just being there? After all the diapers, carpools, potty training, late nights, and early mornings… what more do I have left to give? Is it fair to even ask myself that? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. But I know one thing for sure: for me, fatherhood isn’t just about being around—it’s about showing up, even when I don’t have all the answers, or probably don’t want to. 

I pose the original question in the beginning: What does present fatherhood even look like? To you.